The Shortcake Chronicles

life's better with real whipped cream

Friday, February 11, 2005

Shortcake

The bestest thing in the world, as you know, is strawberry shortcake. I like to have a strawberry shortcake every night while I watch tv with my best friend Dwayne. Dwayne's kinda silly, though.

A lot of television is, very frankly, bad. Just look at shows like American Idol and Survivor and the Surreal World. I mean, nothing like that could happen in real life. Where do these writers come up with silly ideas like that? But there's no bad tv bad enough that spoils strawberry shortcake. That's a good thing.

Martha Stewart says that a lot. "That's a good thing." She's in prison right now, too, because she was bad and lied. Lying is always bad, which is why tv is so bad. The tv lies all the time!

Dwayne gets worked up sometimes when they show Martha Stewart on the tv. He says it wasn't fair about her going to prison just because she lied. I don't know what to say to Dwayne when he gets all worked up like that. He's sitting there with a perfectly good bowl of shortcake soaking in all that strawberry juicy goodness, and all he can do is talk about how Martha Stewart got railroaded. That's silly. Railroads didn't even enter into it - Martha lied about stocks.

I had to take HGTV off my remote because of Dwayne. I did! I'd be skipping through the tv channels looking for good advertisements, and Martha would be there planting a tree in her backyard or using stamps to make special stationary or making custard, and there Dwayne would go. So one day, just before Dwayne came over, I went into my tv menu to take that channel off my tv list. Presto! No more Martha Stewart, and no more wasted shortcake.

Now I can go looking for that orange Listerine commercial (you know the one? Where the mom brings home the new orange Listerine and everyone hides because Listerine is so bad tasting? And then she says, "NOOOO! This is new ORANGE Listerine - It don't taste bad!" and then that boy is up on the pots and pans rack? And now he's trying to get down? Ho-Ho! That's good commercials!) and eat my shortcake in peace without Dwayne yelling about justice for Martha Stewart.

I mean, I tried Martha Stewart's recipe for shortcake once. It was awful. I'd put her in jail for that in just one heartbeat! Don't trifle with my shortcake, Martha Stewart. That's what I say.

But not so Dwayne can hear. I mean, as if.